Parent’s Groups

Adam Mamo writes at The Spinoff on what it is like being a stay at home dad.

I’m not a stay at home dad, but I am a work at home dad. This means I get to spends heaps of time with the toddler, which is great. Makes getting through the work challenging sometimes though – especially as Ben will come over to me and forcibly shut the laptop when he wants my attention.

Anyway Mamo’s article is an interesting read and obviously his experiences. But I’ll just share a different experience in one regard. He said:

You’ll never be alone but you’ll feel alone. It’s difficult to avoid feeling isolated. Your world shrink-wraps around you and it becomes clear you’re a minority. The search for like-minded dads to chill with during the week can be arduous. ’Parent’s Groups’ are mostly just mummy groups that claim to be inclusive but don’t need your type in their ranks.

Why not? A functioning mums’ group is complex and requires certain roles to be filled. There’s the ex-middle management mum, who complains about always organising but refuses help, the struggling-to-cope mum with the naughty kid, and of course, the anti-vax mum that’s a constant topic of private online chats outside the group. What a mums’ group doesn’t need is some dad contaminating this delicate ecosystem.

Our parents group is quite the opposite. I’m made to feel just as much a part of it, as my partner is. In fact I even organise a lot of the catchups. We often have a couple of blokes attend the weekly coffee catchups mid-week and the monthly weekend catchups regularly have lots of blokes there.

Occasionally the girls will organise a night out just for them, just as the guys do the occasional pub session for us. But 95% of the activities are for both of us, and it’s a really supportive group. We all share horror stories of our struggles, but also share the pride as our screaming balls of rage turn into little humans.

Sure occasionally you feel slightly awkward when you’re the only guy there and the conversation is about milk flying across the room from breasts, but that is self-imposed, not feeling unwelcome. In fact it is fascinating how open everyone is about various stuff, from feeding issues to how often you’ve been crapped on by the love of your life.

So if there are potential Dads out there considering being a stay at home or work at home Dad, don’t think you will be isolated and not feel part of your parents group. Obviously that is the case for some, but definitely not all.

I regard our weekly catchups as a highlight of the week, and a major sanity check.