The year in review in advance

Toby Manhire does a hilarious review of 2013 in advance. Extracts:

The appointment of Steven Joyce as minister responsible for Novopay proved a masterstroke. In mid-April, Joyce announced that the school payroll software would be abandoned, and replaced with Paula Rebstock.

Hekia Parata demonstrated her staying power, despite mounting dissent, which coalesced in a 10,000-strong march on Parliament, attended by teachers, parents, Phil Heatley and the Hansard transcribers. And how about those All Blacks?

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for New Zealand cricket and other bat-based sports.

Not a bad idea!

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for the royal baby (Denise!), as well as minister responsible for Marmite and other strategic breakfast spreads.

I sense a theme!

Labour lurched from crisis to crisis. Only the harshest critic could begrudge David Shearer his newfound contentment as a freelance motivational speaker, guitar tutor and editor of the popular “Things to Do in Mt Albert” blog.

David Cunliffe had already blown his chance after Patrick Gower discovered a recording device secreted in his beard. That left Grant Robertson a shoo-in for the leadership. Shane Jones won all the same, seducing everyone before him by weaving Harvard babble, Kiwi vernacular and preacher-speak into a single sentence. Scandal came soon after, and follows him into the new year.

I’d love to see Shane as the Labour Leader!

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for appointing himself responsible for things. He swiftly moved to appoint himself minister responsible for Judith Collins.

Heh.

It was a surprisingly quiet year from Kim Dotcom. Apart from the revelation that he had for more than two years been storing data in the Prime Minister’s cerebrum – mostly pirated copies of the blockbuster film Johnny English – as part of his “MegaKey” project.

John Key defused the incident with a joke about the cricket. His poll numbers soared. As they did after he tried to get Obama to drink a yard-glass, and when he arrived at Question Time dressed as Bilbo Baggins.

Don’t give him ideas!

He was universally lauded for his decision to change his formal title from “Prime Minister” to “Chief Executive of New Zealand” – with the exception of a single damning editorial in the Southland Times and a handful of extremist bloggers – and there was broad support for his proposal to leverage the brand as”SkyCity New Zealand”.

That will cost far more than a convention centre!

Excellent satire. At least I hope it is satire.