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September 11, 2012 8:00am by Kokila Patel

General Debate 11 September 2012

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General Debate

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nasska

So this bloke goes into a shop and asks for sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked “Are you Irish?”

“If I asked you for Italian Salami, would you ask me if I was Italian?”

“Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?”

“Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?”

“Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?Would ya, ay? Would Ya?”

The assistant says, “Well no”.

“And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?”

“What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?”

“Well, I probably wouldn’t,”

With self-indignation, the man says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I asked for Sausages?”

The Assistant replies, “Because you’re in Bunnings.”
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September 11, 2012 8:56pm
Griff

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, ‘Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.’
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper – and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
‘Tell me, son,’ he asks, ‘what happened last night?’
‘Well, says the boy, ‘you came home so blind drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.’
‘Christ!’ says the man. ‘Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?’
‘When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, ‘Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I’m married!”
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September 11, 2012 8:59pm
nasska

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
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September 11, 2012 9:09pm
Griff

=Young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright lights of London.
Comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi, wearing a full-length mink coat.
“Begorrah, Colleen” says her mother “‘Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin’ – an’ it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?”
Colleen replies, “Sure now, I won it at the bingo.
Don’t they have wonderful prizes in London.”
When the weekend’s over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she’s back to visit her mom a few months later.
This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she’s wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
(Same exchange with mom — same “Won it at bingo.
” Then Colleen returns to the bright lights once again.)
A few months later, she’s back again. And this time she’s sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all at the bingo. Then she asks her mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. Her mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there’s only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, “Mom! Sure now didn’t I ask you to run me a bath? There’s only a quarter inch of water in the tub!” “Indade there is, me darlin'” replies her mom. “But we don’t want ye gettin’ yer bingo ticket wet now, do we?”
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September 11, 2012 9:14pm
nasska

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. “Faith, Mike, we’ve stumbled into the graveyard and here’s the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!” “Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?” “No, ’twas someone named ‘Miles from Dublin’!”
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September 11, 2012 9:26pm
Griff

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
“Father, forgive me for I have Thinned.”
“You’ve Thinnned?”
“Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times.”

“Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down.”

“Will that wash away me Thin?”

“No, but it will get the silly smile off your face.”
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September 11, 2012 9:40pm
nasska

As the years went by, Big Mick Lonegan just couldn’t perform the way he used to. His doctor told him that it was normal for a man’s sexual drive to decrease with advancing years, but Big Mick wasn’t having any. He kept pumping away, determined to prove that he remained the man he always was. But the banshee of Old Age is persistent, and finally Big Mick admitted defeat…of a sort. He was determined to salvage what he could of his dignity. He went to his doctor, and told the doc that he couldn’t stand his sex life like this any more; he wanted to be castrated. The doctor told Big Mick he didn’t think that such drastic measures were called for, but Mick persisted. Finally the doctor agreed to perform the operation. Two days after the surgery, Mick was sitting in one of the local Irish-style taverns, sucking on a beer and trying to ignore the still-present pain. In the next booth he overheard part of a conversation: “…an’ Oi don’t know what’s to become of the Parish…Father Sullivan’s suggestin’ that there’s probably nothin’ wrong with circumcision….” “Circumcision!” roared Big Mick Lonegan. “THAT’S the word!”
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September 11, 2012 9:45pm
Griff

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. “Good evenin’, Kelly,” said the muffled figure. “Don’t ye be knowin’ your old friend Grogan any more?” Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. “Saints!” cried Kelly. “Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?” “It could’ve been both,” said Grogan, “considerin’ the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy’s wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin’ big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin’ bejazus outa me.” “He did indade,” said Kelly. “But couldn’t ye defend y’rself, Grogan? Hadn’t ye nothin’ in your own hand?” “Only Mrs. Murphy’s ass,” said Grogan. “It’s a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight.”
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September 11, 2012 9:51pm
Reid

Interesting from my quick scan not one post on the anniversary of 911 today. Maybe that’s for tomorrow.
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September 11, 2012 10:07pm
bhudson

@Reid,

That is, perhaps, because we all believe that Neil Armstrong DID actually land on the moon…
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September 11, 2012 10:12pm
Reid

Oh so do I bhudson, why bring that up? What’s that got to do with 911 and the consequent “war on tewwor” which bought in all those nice constitutional eviscerations that most of the American people haven’t yet woken up to?
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September 11, 2012 10:36pm
Liberal Minded Kiwi

Nowhere in the bible did it say that jesus was not a rapper. Think about it.
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September 12, 2012 3:44am
Manolo

Who doubts this guy is a Luddite?
http://news.msn.co.nz/nationalnews/8531332/nz-academic-accused-of-gm-scaremongering
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September 12, 2012 6:18am
Manolo

The power of blood (and connections): http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/news/7654390/Sir-Ngatata-Love-re-elected-to-trust
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September 12, 2012 6:26am
Viking2

In 1870, Tuhoe were forced out of Te Urewera and detained at Te Putere, suffering widespread starvation and loss of life.

In 1896 Parliament enacted the Urewera District Native Reserve Act providing for local self government over a 656,000 acre Urewera Reserve, but this was never honoured.

In subsequent years the tribe suffered significant loss of land due to Crown tactics.

In 1916, 70 armed police arrested Tuhoe prophet Rua Kenana and two Tuhoe men were killed during the arrest.

In 1954 the Crown established Te Urewera National Park, which included most of Ngai Tuhoe’s traditional lands, without consulting Tuhoe.
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September 12, 2012 6:55am

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