General Debate 12 September 2011

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calendar girl

About Auckland’s train failures on Friday evening. We were told that major causes were 5 passengers pressing emergency “Stop” buttons (and another firing off a fire extinguisher). Now the Herald tells us that the vandal problem with emergency “Stop” buttons on Auckland’s trains is not new – it happened before, last November, on the occasion of a U2 concert when several trains were stranded near Ellerslie station.

So this problem could and should have been foreseen. Instead, Len and the railway operator Veolia ignored it in their preparations when every conceivable risk factor should have been pre-empted – whatever it took.

Let’s hope Len ensures that it is fixed for next weekend. Here’s one suggestion for Len’s talkfest – organise a uniformed bouncer to stand alongside every emergency button and fire extinguisher, on every train, throughout the evening. And Len, please don’t lay more cost on your already-beleaguered ratepayers. Take it out of Veolia’s reported $35million p.a. management fee.

[DPF: That was my thought. A security guard per cabin should be sufficient to deter this]
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September 12, 2011 8:05am
Whafe

The rain yesterday and over night has been bliss for us farmers… Was getting really dry for what I need, almost had to pull out the irrigators..
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September 12, 2011 8:07am
KiwiGreg

@ cG or just dispense with the trains altogether and run buses if you remain obsessed with public transport. Small units with 40-50 passengers who can pass if one unit is stalled for such a short distance would seem to be a bit smarter than trains.

Or do what Loopy Len did and drive….
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September 12, 2011 8:11am
GAZMAN

My birthday today…yeah! DPF beat me to 44 by one day!
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September 12, 2011 8:11am
Whafe

c girl – Len will blame everyone but himself and take no responsibility what so ever….

Your suggestions would be normal ones for the vast majority of us
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September 12, 2011 8:12am
thedavincimode

That’ll be ten cents a cube for you Whafe ….

“blame everyone but himself and take no responsibility what so ever….”

He’s done that already hasn’t he? He’s DEMANDING answers!!
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September 12, 2011 8:12am
wreck1080

I don’t blame the organisers for the transportation issues—if people push the emergency stop buttons, what can you do?

Putting pretend cops in the carriages would not work either. I assume the buttons are everywhere and it would be stupid to fill carriages with guards instead of passengers.

Londons transport system would similarly fail if people constantly pushed emergency stop buttons.

New Zealanders are immature. Thats basically the problem.
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September 12, 2011 8:21am
iMP

Auckland 0
Dunedin 16
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September 12, 2011 8:24am
jcuk

Griff … I advocate public transport but don’t use it becuase the service is nso impractical for my needs. I’m mildly green but don’t support the Greens.
If people had heeded and supported Robbie must be fifty years ago then Auckland could have a public transport system today to largely cope with the madness that saw 200,000 people decend on two small areas in Auckland. Instead money was put into spreading Auckland at the expense of productive farmland and huge strips of concrete to promote individual transport … and it still continues despite the hand wringing and wimpering that is going on at the moment …. and this was just a starting match …. better people stay at home and watch tele …. except the games will then loose more money which we will have to pay through taxes.
An inteligent combination of rail with bus feeder links and rail bridges could serve even Auckland’s topography and population encouraged to live together instead of each quarter acre section .. or the modern madness … million dollar homes cheek by jowl on tiny sections.
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September 12, 2011 8:25am
Elaycee

I also note the irony that Mayor “In Da House” Brown used a car on Friday night rather than use public transport. He was distinctly uncomfortable when pressed about this on NewstalkZB earlier this morning – his excuse was that he had to be at two different appointments and he didn’t want to run the risk of any delay.

This is the same moron who arranged an NZ Herald photo op of the SuperCity Mayor travelling in the train to work one morning, only for it to be uncovered that he was on the train for a few stops only and his Mayoral car was travelling on the road alongside – ready to pick him up.

Our first SuperCity and it has a stalk at the helm….
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September 12, 2011 8:26am
Lance

Actually, Maori wardens would be ideal.
They are seriously non-PC, they take no shit and are not afraid of physical contact to resolve a situation.
The way the Police used to be.
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September 12, 2011 8:29am
Rick Rowling

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/5603536/Tornado-hits-Auckland

I guess we won’t be seeing more of this, because the climate isn’t getting warmer, in fact it’s getting colder, and even if it iis getting warmer it’s because of sunspots or other natural causes, but it isn’t getting warmer any evidence is fabricated by bent scientists faking results so they get more funding and also funded by commies who want to take over by taxation and who, unlike big oil, have huge sources of funds and a vested interest in faking the whole climate change thing.

There, that’s that out of the way for today.
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September 12, 2011 8:38am
KiwiGreg

@ Rick Rowling you’re funny because it’s true.
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September 12, 2011 8:41am
Murray

Hey lance maori wardens have zero authority over me and if they get punchy they spend the night in cells like any other joe thanks.
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September 12, 2011 8:45am
Lance

@Murray
Nice in theory. I have seen them in action, friggin excellent.
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September 12, 2011 8:50am
Griff

@jcuk
“encouraged to live together instead of each quarter acre section”

We were a country of home owners on Quarter acre sections
This is/was our culture. I see an effort to change this as an attack on my culture and freedom.
Council policy to push us closer together is one of the causers of the high price of housing.
It will lead to crowding into slums for the poor. Multiplying the anti social costs for those on benefits and making an escape from “poverty” harder for those on low incomes.

Individual transport needs to get more efficient. focusing on helping this to happen should be more of a prioty. We are not running out of hydrocarbons there is at least A century or more in the ground even at today’s growth rates. Auckland should make better use of its water ways for trasport these are already there fearly well span the whole region and are far more efficient for transport than trains buses and cars as the network is already in place
The greens would not allow this to happen due to the distortions in their Ideology

Freedom is valued by me. Compulsion is not freedom. . As the only way Trains will work is though Compulsion. .:Trains do not represent freedom
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September 12, 2011 8:52am
Pete George

@ Rick Rowling you’re funny because it’s true.

What’s true – that some people claim they are absolutely right and a big bunch of scientists must be wrong?

What is true is it’s a symptom of a prevalent “no responsibility, not my fault” mentality.
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September 12, 2011 9:14am
Murray

And I’ve seen them get out of their depth and agrivate a situation Lance.
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September 12, 2011 9:18am
thedavincimode

Exellent idea from Whaleoil.

Russell Norman denies eating baby.
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September 12, 2011 9:18am
thedavincimode

Was Catherine Delahunty abducted by aliens?
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September 12, 2011 9:19am
thedavincimode

Did Metiria Turei seek selection for National in 1999?
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September 12, 2011 9:21am
thedavincimode

Was Nandor working for the CIA?
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September 12, 2011 9:22am
Elaycee

Who stole the arrowroots?
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September 12, 2011 9:24am
Scott Chris

Rick Rowling – “There, that’s that out of the way for today.”

You forgot to mention that the tornados were also sent by God, who is an eccentric and selective retributionist.
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September 12, 2011 9:26am
calendar girl

@jcuk

It would be better to try and deal with Auckland as it is, not as it might have been.

Sorry you don’t like the way NZers have chosen to build their houses over the generations, but – as Griff says – that is part of our culture. (You may have come here to share in that culture, perhaps.) Trying to retrofit European styles of public transport onto the beautiful city that is Auckland is not the solution.
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September 12, 2011 9:26am
Scott Chris

Pete George – “What’s true – that some people claim they are absolutely right and a big bunch of scientists must be wrong?”

Are you referring to the 1080 issue Pete?
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September 12, 2011 9:28am
Lee01

Griff,

“We were a country of home owners on Quarter acre sections
This is/was our culture. I see an effort to change this as an attack on my culture and freedom.
Council policy to push us closer together is one of the causers of the high price of housing.
It will lead to crowding into slums for the poor. Multiplying the anti social costs for those on benefits and making an escape from “poverty” harder for those on low incomes.”

Spot on. For once we agree about something. Widespread private property ownership is the best defense against poverty and slums.
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September 12, 2011 9:31am
Lee01

Scott,

“You forgot to mention that the tornados were also sent by God, who is an eccentric and selective retributionist.”

As a pantheist don’t you belive that all acts of nature are acts of “God”?
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September 12, 2011 9:32am
backster

Confession time……..So far in DPF’s poll only one person has voted that the opening ceremony was very good….me…mind I wasn’t actually there but watched on TV.

Isn’t Lenny Brown a nice generous guy, anyone who missed the game due to the free train cockup will get compensation, he will see to that.
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September 12, 2011 9:34am
Pete George

Are you referring to the 1080 issue Pete?

No, but there’s plenty of science there too.

Scientific evidence that 1080 causes substantial collateral damage – of protected native species?
Scientific evidence that 1080 causes deaths involving prolongd suffering?
Scientific evidence that 1080 has not controlled possum numbers yet, hence DOC want to increase use.
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September 12, 2011 9:52am
Griff

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_political_ideologies

See how many shades of ideologies are out there better yet add you own

“The green anarchist critique focuses on the institutions of domination that make up society, all grouped under the broad term “civilization”. Such institutions include the state, capitalism, industrialism, globalization, domestication, patriarchy, science, technology, and/or work.”

There seems to be a few green anarchists in The NZ Greens.
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September 12, 2011 9:55am
Scott Chris

Lee – “As a pantheist don’t you belive that all acts of nature are acts of “God”?”

Hmm, interesting point. Looking at it objectively, if everything is God, but only those parts of God that are self-aware can make decisions to intervene and who are to a limited extent, self-determining, then I’d say that God does intervene, in the shape of human beings.

I hadn’t thought of that before, and as a result, I’ve changed my mind about intervention, so thanks for the insight Lee.
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September 12, 2011 10:03am
Inventory2

Did James Hook’s penalty kick go over last night, and did Wayne Barnes make another RWC cock-up? Keeping Stock has two perspectives:

I call it for what it was: http://keepingstock.blogspot.com/2011/09/another-rwc-another-blunder-from-wayne.html

James Stephenson sticks up for his countryman: http://keepingstock.blogspot.com/2011/09/kiwi-commentators-still-unable-to-open.html

There’s lively debate on both threads. Personally, I reckon that the Welsh wuz robbed!
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September 12, 2011 10:18am
nasska

Scott Chris

By following this theory to its ultimate conclusion you are probably a god. It’s a pretty busy job with all the pious buggers bothering you all the time so make sure you’ve got someone to fill in for you when you need a break.
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September 12, 2011 10:28am
Lee01

“There seems to be a few green anarchists in The NZ Greens.”

Supposedly Metiria Turei considers herself an anarchist. I just cannot get my head around anarchists joining a poltical party and standing for parliament.
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September 12, 2011 10:34am
Scott Chris

nasska – “It’s a pretty busy job with all the pious buggers bothering you all the time so make sure you’ve got someone to fill in for you when you need a break.”

But I’m a lazy god. I’d thunder, “don’t bother me! Bother yourself, or failing that, go bother Luc Hansen”

Then I’d go to the practice range and smite some golf balls. (although the golf balls are gods too, they were built to be smitten and enjoy it)
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September 12, 2011 11:04am
Brian Smaller

Was Catherine Delahunty abducted by aliens?

Bullshit. She arrived with them.
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September 12, 2011 11:29am
hj

Nine to Noon Left v Right. John Pagini got a good shot in about the minimalisation of what was going on leading up the the Urewera raids. Sounds like Mathew Hooten was playing it down for some strange reason. Trying to smack labour….what a hollow man.
http://www.radionz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/audio/2497717/politics-with-john-pagani-and-matthew-hooton.asx
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September 12, 2011 12:01pm
hj

Mathew Hooten will hold any opinion his bosses pay him to espouse.
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September 12, 2011 12:05pm
Rodders

Hooten can’t be that bad. After all, he hates Winston.
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September 12, 2011 12:07pm
bereal

The old definition of insanity used to be around doing the same thing and
expecting a different result.

It looks as if we have a new one thanks to Len Brown and public transport to
Eden Park.
The best people to fix a problem are the same incompetant dropkicks who
were responsible for it after years of planning.

Questions for Len. If you are not responsible just where does the buck stop ?
If you don’t know, do you know who does ?
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September 12, 2011 12:52pm
Stamper

Ban ki-Moon says evidence of Global Warming can be found in…..
the state of the inland Aral Sea.

http://news.smh.com.au/breaking-news-national/un-boss-urges-climate-sceptics-to-wake-up-20110909-1k11a.html

Now some of us may remember the Aral Sea as being used in a Soviet experiment to
become self-sufficient in cotton and rice.
Their trick was to redirect the two rivers feeding the Aral into their cotton/rice lands.
Result – no water into the Aral sea [in the 1960’s]. Now empty.
Also – no joy on growing cotton or rice.

Yep – the UN Secretary General says this is evidence of catastrophic Climate Change

Would you want this man to lead the world?
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September 12, 2011 2:31pm
Elaycee

NAME SUPPRESSION LIFTED FOR LABOUR PARTY STAFFER

NZ Herald reports: “The former Labour Party staffer charged with theft has been publicly identified. Sonny Thomas, 24, appeared in Wellington District Court today on two counts of theft. The former Young Labour vice-president’s name suppression was lifted when he appeared today”.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10751257
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September 12, 2011 4:07pm
leftyliberal

I was on the trains to U2 in Auckland, and yup, some idiots pushed the emergency stop buttons multiple times. The problem as I observed it was 2 fold:

1. The driver had no idea which button had been pushed (i.e. which carriage). This has since been fixed on at least some of the trains, so now they know which carriage and don’t have to go to every carriage in turn to ensure there isn’t a real emergency.

2. People are idiots, and people that aren’t used to travelling on trains with emergency buttons are going to press them, particularly when you pack shitloads of them into each carriage after a bunch have had too much to drink (ah, the NZ culture of drinking too much before you get to the “gig”…)

Number 2 is the problem they need to take care of next: For a start, don’t let so many on to the bloody train to begin with. This is fixed at the origin station, not on the train – once the train is full you simply do not stop until you get to the destination. You won’t have a problem then if someone hits the big red button as you’ll damn well know who it was and can charge them accordingly.
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September 12, 2011 4:48pm
tristanb

Born-again Christians.. fucking sick.
“Redeemed, formerly known as Lee Errol Silvester, has pleaded not guilty to ten charges resulting from the May 1 crash last year.”

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/5608306/Accused-yanked-steering-wheel
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September 12, 2011 6:28pm
nasska

The CIA lost track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one
of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy
and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located
him, tell him the code words,
‘The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.’

If it’s really him, he’ll answer, ‘Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'”

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a pub in Dublin.
He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking
for a guy named Murphy.”

The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific
because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy.

There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next
block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local
savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the
stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.”

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code
words on bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for
mist in the morning.”

The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy.
He lives right down the street, but he usually doesn’t come in
here till around 8 PM.”
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September 12, 2011 7:00pm
Pauleastbay

A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers. “You all have obsessions,” he says.To the first mother, he says, “You are obsessed with eating, & even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mother, “You’re obsessed with money,& you named your child Penny.” He turns to the third mother,”Your obsession is alcohol, & you named your child Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand & whispers, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving!!
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September 12, 2011 7:05pm
Pauleastbay

Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said “no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties.” the other husband said “you think that’s bad? mine came back with a card in her box that read ‘from all of us at the fire station… we’ll never forget you!
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September 12, 2011 7:07pm
nasska

He’d just managed to stagger home after a heavy night’s drinking when he started vomiting violently.

“Pissed again, are you?” his wife said.

“No way, love. I think it was that liver you cooked for my tea because I’ve just brought it back up.”

“But we didn’t have liver tonight.” she said.

“In that case you’d better call me an ambulance and quickly.”
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September 12, 2011 7:16pm
Griff

Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, ‘G’ day neighbour, hold it right there.’

The rider says, ‘I’m your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I’m throwing for you next Saturday. There’s going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting….. we’ll have a great time.’

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, ‘How should I dress?’

‘Blimey, mate, it don’t matter, ‘replied the neighbour, ‘There’s only gonna be the two of us.’
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September 12, 2011 8:02pm
Scott Chris

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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September 12, 2011 8:02pm
nasska

Q. Why do most men masturbate?
A. Because it’s sex with someone they love.

Q. Why don’t most women masturbate?
A. They’ve never been able to find the clitoris either.
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September 12, 2011 8:02pm
Griff

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
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September 12, 2011 8:08pm
nasska

A Man and His Ostrich

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”
I’ll have a beer, too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender. “Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich.
“That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The bartender asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man replies “My second wish was chick with long legs.
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September 12, 2011 8:13pm
Griff

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
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September 12, 2011 8:19pm
nasska

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said,
“Well, we’re not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden.”
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September 12, 2011 8:30pm
Scott Chris

How can you tell if you’re having a super orgasm?
Your husband wakes up.

Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than Nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.

What’s the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.

If you are right handed and you masturbate with your left for a change,
are you being unfaithful?

What’s the ultimate in rejection?
When you’re masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

Griff goes to the doctors and says, “Doc, you gotta
help me!”
The doctor says, “What’s your problem?”
Griff says every morning I wake up with my “morning flagpole”..
give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor’s wife
who gives me a blow job during the ride to work..
Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go
into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young
office girls…
At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
bonking…
For afternoon tea I give the boss’s wife a good servicing…
I then go home and slip the maid a few inches…
Then at night I give the missus another screw…
“Well,” said the doctor. “What’s your problem?”
Griff says, “Well, it hurts when I masturbate.”
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September 12, 2011 8:34pm
nasska

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin’ and a shakin’. The first flea asked, “What the hell happened to you?” To which the second flea replied “I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I’m so very coldddd!” The first flea said, “Don’t you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm”. The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin’, shakin’, and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed “Didn’t you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?” To which the second flea replied, “I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
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September 12, 2011 8:40pm
Griff

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin…g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”
And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land.”
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September 12, 2011 8:44pm
nasska

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother
goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked
to see her daughter open it naked.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

“Mom, it’s my LOVE dress!! Don’t you like it?”

“I’ll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over.”
replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her
daughter is naked.

“Now what are you doing?”

“Mom, it’s my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!”

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself.
When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction,
“Honey, what are you doing?” she gives him the same answer
her daughter gave her, “It’s my LOVE dress! What do you
think of it?”

Her husband thinks long and hard before answering.
His last words apparently were:
“I think you should have ironed it!”
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September 12, 2011 8:52pm
Scott Chris

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life succinctly.

“When it all boiled down to the essence of truth,” the philosopher said, “one should just live by the dog’s rule of life:

If you can’t eat it or fuck it, then piss on it!!!”
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September 12, 2011 8:55pm
Griff

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” the man replies. “Can you get him for me?” she asks. “I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t”, breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him”, she whispers, “There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman’s room.
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September 12, 2011 8:59pm
kowtow

stamper @231

Aral Sea ,my own thoughts exactly.
World’s financial markets in meltdown.
Unemployment and national debts sky rocketing.
Iran and other mental failed states like Pak with the bomb.
Mexico imploding cos so many Americans take drugs.
Muslim immigration to Europe overwhelming its native born.
Somalia totally out of control.The areas’ sea trade thereby threatened
Libya,Yemen,Lebanon,Syria and Turkey in a state of civil war.
Cyprus divided and occupied by Turkey.

And that myopic prick thinks the weather and mismanagement of resources is the biggest problem the world faces!!!And national governments go along with him!!!!
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September 12, 2011 9:03pm
Scott Chris

Lee01 was walking across a bridge one day, and he saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So he ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. Lee said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” Lee said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” Lee said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” Lee said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” Lee said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, “Baptist!” Lee said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!” Lee said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” Lee said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!” Lee said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.
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September 12, 2011 9:10pm
Scott Chris

Nasska walked into a bar with God, Thor and Zeus,
The barman turned to serve him and said,
“Drinking alone again I see…”

Q. Why did the chicken hold a seance?
A. To get to the other side.

How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. No matter what they do, they just can’t see the light.

Atheism – A non-prophet organisation.
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September 12, 2011 9:18pm
Scott Chris

Nasska, a Christian, and a Jew, are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.

The Christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, “My god will save me!”. The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle has occurred, figures he can’t kill this man, as so sets him free.

The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the christian, he shouts, “My god will save me!”. The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes God is on this man’s side, and lets him go.

Finally, Nasska lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, “Well here’s your problem…”

The moral? There’s a time and a place for skepticism.
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September 12, 2011 9:20pm
Griff

Bill Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he sees “Bill Is A Bastard” written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they return they say,
“Well Mr. President, we’ve got bad news and we’ve got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?”
And Bill says, “What’s the bad news?”
The agent replies, “It was Al Gore.”
Aghast Bill yells, “That dirty no good son of a bitch!!! What’s the worse news?”
So the agent says, “It was Hillary’s handwriting…”
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September 12, 2011 9:26pm
Viking2

Another reason why young people need to go to work.

Will Gen Y ever pay their own way?
BINA BROWN
Last updated 12:50 12/09/2011

The expression ”you have to be cruel to be kind” could not be more appropriate than for the growing number of ”kids” still living at home with their parents long past their teen years.

Since no one who gets a free roof over their head, regular meals, the benefits of housework, utilities, entertainment and possibly a car is going to readily move, you may need to either give them a push or charge them enough so no one loses out.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/5608519/Will-Gen-Y-ever-pay-their-own-way
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September 13, 2011 6:28am
aquataur

From the SMH today :-

If you thought the booing of Wallabies five-eighth Quade Cooper during the Italy match was unacceptable, it was nothing compared to the antics of a dignitary who was sitting in the official box. Australian Rugby Union officials always anticipate a hard time when they are in New Zealand, and were not shocked by the crowd jeering the Wallabies during their opening World Cup game. But they never expected their official Kiwi hosts to join in. According to Jeeves, our snout in the official box, one of the invited guests got really carried away, especially after Italy troubled the Wallabies early on. ”He booed and abused the Wallabies all game,” Jeeves said. ”He was yelling out, ‘f—ing cheats’ and other offensive remarks, and then when the Wallabies started to get on top, he suddenly left.” Naturally the ARU representatives and their partners in the box were gobsmacked. One asked an Auckland government official: ”Who is this bloke? His behaviour is right over the top.” The local suit replied: ”Sorry. I can’t do much about it. He’s a government minister.” The contingent now refer to him as the New Zealand Minister for Bad Manners.

So who was this wally ??
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September 13, 2011 7:17am

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