Ten best swimsuits in film

Stuff has a story from the Sydney Morning Herald’s Maggie Alderson on the ten best swimsuits in film.

But alas they only provide a photo of one of them. That’s like listening to a compilation of Beethoven’s best, with no actual audio.

Luckily Google is our friend, and Kiwiblog is happy to provide the article as it should have been:

1. Ursula Andress in Dr. No

Not just the greatest bikini moment on celluloid, this is one of the most arresting moments in the history of film. It’s not just her glorious Amazonian body – the flat stomach, the curving waist to hip, the silken thighs, the just-big-enough bosoms – it’s her skin, the way she holds her shoulders, her entire demeanour.

Like the character in the original book (I’ve actually read it), Honey Ryder, Andress is a creature of the sea, as at home in her bikini as a turtle in its shell. She wears it with total ease, like it’s part of her, completely comfortable in her body. As this is diametrically opposite to how most of us feel in swimwear, this is awe-inspiring to observe.

This is also one of the great bikinis, with the combination of feminine constructed bra-style top with the rugged belt below (large knife optional), a style that has been often revived (see Halle Berry at no. 9).

2. Bo Derek in 10

Ursula may have had a body of pulsating feminine allure but I think Bo Derek had the official Perfect Body, in a dog show, best of breed kind of way. Long, slender legs, high boobs, stomach like a surfboard, strong shoulders, round bum, golden skin. Tick dem boxes. But the really striking thing about this scene is how flimsy that skin-coloured one-piece was, with not a hint of support.

In the running-along-the-sand dream sequence, the more cuddly Dudley Moore wisely wears a grey tracksuit but even through the thick fabric his man boobs have more bounce than Bo’s girly ones. Fascinating to observe. I’ve no idea if they were real and I don’t care. They’re marvellous. But it remains a miracle how she avoided blinding herself with those stupid shell braids flying around.

3. Grace Kelly in To Catch A Thief and Grace Kelly in High Society

Cary Grant, the Riviera, the open-top Sunbeam Alpine, Grace Kelly’s nose … To Catch A Thief is such an elegant film but the bathing scene is pure camp, as she stalks through the hotel lobby in something you don’t see very often these days – a full matchy-matchy beach outfit.

There’s a black high-neck backless halter cossie and matching capris, worked back with a white split-front overskirt with a black swimming cap tucked underneath a large straw hat, all finished off with a white tote, white cats’-eye sunnies and classic wooden-soled slide mules. Priceless.

By contrast, in High Society Kelly gives us one of the most elegant swimwear moments on screen. She drifts poignantly to the pool (this is long before she gets squiffy and snogs Frank Sinatra) in a white halter-neck cossie with a demure integrated skirt with side slits. It’s divine – but even better is the floor-length, white silk-jersey, Grecian-style robe she wears over it. Pure class. And the languid way she undoes the silk cord belt is very, very sexy.

4. Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.

Who could forget this bikini made of furry chamois car-wash leathers? Who knew that Stone Age Man – or rather, Woman – had such a knowledge of underwiring? I would really love to see the cantilevering inside that top, as it is quite a triumph of engineering stacking up Raquel’s impressive boobature almost to chin level. I’ve secretly always wanted a bikini like this.

5. Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat

All hail the mankini. Utter, utter joy. There are just so many ways to love this moment, not least of which is all the glorious outrages it has subsequently inspired.

These include a very large and hairy man wearing a mankini offering free hugs a la Juan Mann – and getting loads – and British football fans threatening to wear mankinis en masse when their team played a friendly against Borat’s national team of Kazakhstan, at Wembley in October. So disappointing that the wowser organisers issued a warning that anyone turning up in this most athletic of garments would be barred from the stadium.

By the way, if you don’t already have one, mankinis are still widely available on the internet. Oh, go on, give us all a laugh on the beach this summer. Pleeeeease.

6. Deborah Kerr in From Here To Eternity

Probably the most famous sexy surfside moment in film – but what a shocking cossie. I must confess that I had never seen the whole film until commissioned to write this piece, when I duly watched it to put the big beach pash moment in context. I’m afraid it rather destroyed it. When Burt Lancaster, playing sleazy, old seducer 1st Sergeant Milton Warden, suggests a dip, Kerr coyly replies: “Well, I’m already wearing a costume under my dress …” Actually she’s wearing another dress under her dress.

She whips off the wraparound skirt to reveal a buttressed swimsuit with a skirt longer than anything Venus Williams would countenance. It is one of the unsexiest swimsuits I have ever seen – and clearly designed to be that way, so the censors would pass the steamy scene.

In the novel the film is based on, it’s clear the characters get it on for real among the crashing waves, so this highly upholstered cossie is nothing more than a celluloid chastity belt. But clearly Burtie boy – sporting a pair of sturdy waist-high jersey shorts himself – didn’t think so. His biographer claims Lancaster and Kerr became “romantically involved” during filming.

7. Jude Law in The Talented Mr. Ripley

Filmed while he still had an unchallenged thatch atop his beautiful head, Jude Law is the male equivalent of Bo Derek in this film, as he hops about boats, beaches and terrazzos, completely at ease in his cool 1950s trunks. And his cool 1990s body. A male perfect 10. Sigh.

8. Daniel Craig in Casino Royale

Unlike most of my female pals, I don’t really “get” Daniel Craig in a hose-me-down-sister kind of way but when he walked out of the sea in these trunks I admit it was the most arresting beach landing since Ursula, all those Bond films before.

I instantly loved him because he looked so homo. Gay trunks and a total body wax – what’s not to love? That’s the kind of guy I like to lie on a beach with. He won’t judge my body and I won’t distract male attention from him. Beach blanket bingo, baby. Pass my cocktail, would you?

9. Halle Berry in Die Another Day

Some people reckon Halle was the best Bond girl of all time. Clearly they have only seen the one film. That orange bikini with its wide, white belt was a witty tribute to Ursula’s classic and did inspire a whole new generation to embrace the cargo bikini style but for me the naff nylon triangle top just doesn’t cut it.

So, yes, Halle’s got beautiful skin and a great figure but I don’t think this is an Oscar-winning coz. But what do I know? Last year it was featured in an exhibition at London’s Imperial War Museum, to celebrate Ian Fleming’s centenary.

10. Jessica Alba in Into The Blue

I’ve spent a lot of time on Google researching this piece (did you know there are websites for people with a fetish for wooden slide shoes as worn by Grace Kelly – as mentioned earlier? I didn’t) and it has become clear that Jessica Alba has the most-admired bikini body of the moment. Golden skin, flat stomach, slim legs, just enough booby action – and a gorgeous Latino butt.

And boy do we have plenty of opportunity to look at it in this film. In one particularly gratuitous moment we see her casually crawling up the bed on hands and knees to chat to her chap, wearing just flimsy undies, while the camera virtually gives her a colonoscopy.

So both wet and dry, on a boat and underwater, Alba’s body is mighty fine. Shame it’s wearing such a dull bikini. Just a boring bit of old, blue nylon. The only good thing about it is the unmatching top and bottom scenario, inspired by the mix-it-up trend started by Kate Moss. Now there’s somebody who looks great in a bikini.

I wonder how many hours of research it took the journalist to write the article!