July 19, 2004 7:35pm by David Farrar

Top Ten times three

Dave Letterman has had some great top tens lately. Here’s three of the best (in my opinion).

10. That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing

9. It oversimplified the way I stole the election

8. Too many of them fancy college-boy words

7. If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the part where I get him deported

6. Didn’t have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and gives people the finger

5. Of all Michael Moore’s accusations, only 97% are true

4. Not sure – – I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my windpipe

3. Where the hell was Spider-man?

2. Couldn’t hear most of the movie over Cheney’s foul mouth

1. I thought this was supposed to be about Dodgeball

10. I’ve never been to a book signing at hooters before

9. Hey Gore, bring up some more books from the basement

8. Mr. President, do you know that woman under the table?

7. Could you make it out to Gennifer with a ‘G’?

6. Look, Ken Starr…nah, I’m just messin’ with you

5. This long line is the result of a vast right-wing conspiracy

4. Those aren’t secret service agents – – those are Hillary’s people keeping an eye on him

3. He’s a lot more bubbaish in person

2. How come they’re moving all the good-looking women to the front of the line?

1. I just pray he signs it with a pen

10. Cheney’s official white house parking space is now in West Virginia

9. Latest bumper stickers read: “vote for Bush and (to be determined)”

8. CIA says it has indisputable evidence that Cheney will remain on the ticket

7. Cheney’s been asking crooked oil companies if they have any job openings

6. All the white house defibrillator stations have been removed

5. Cheney’s new I.D. card reads “valid through next Tuesday”

4. G.O.P. has spent 20 million dollars on campaign commercials giving exact location of Cheney’s undisclosed location

3. Rumsfeld keeps jumping out at him from behind doors yelling, “boo!”

2. As with all major decisions, he’s asked Cheney to figure out the best way to terminate the Vice President

1. Bush asked his dad if he still has Quayle’s number